Happenings Week, a good festival or not?
by iamofthedesert
Summary: A yearly Amegakure Festival. Pein Decides to take the Akatsuki to their First time seeing it. What will happen? CRACK-FIC. Contains slight yaoi.
1. Fireworks

"FUCK YOU!!" Hidan slapped Kakuzu away as the zombie tried to re-order his partner's hair.

"Now now, Hidan. That is not the language we use in public." Itachi gave the Jashinist a quick glance as he popped a cherry into Kisame's mouth.

"Don't tell me what to say, Mother!! My hair is fucking GAY RAINBOWS."

"Again, no using offensive wording in public, Hidan. Please. It's getting on my nerves." 'Mother Hen' slid off of his partner's lap onto the sheet below.

"Hey now. It's the Happenings Festival, today. Be nice to each other." Pein gave Hidan a warning glare.

"Fuck you!"

"No, that's _MY_ job." Konan slid up behind Pein and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Pein's face grew red.

"Please, not in public, Sweetheart." He pulled away from his fiancé.

"Lookie! Lookie Lookie Lookie!!" Tobi bounced up and down on the Picnic Blanket and pointed at the sky.

Lights flashed, a boom filled the air, Sasori jumped and hid behind Deidara.

Yup, you guessed it. Fireworks.

Kakuzu smiled and pulled Hidan onto his lap. The Jashinist had unknowingly had his hair dyed for this weeklong, Traditional Amegakure Festival.

"Take that damned mask off for once, Kuzu. It's so damn annoying." Hidan tugged at the black fabric, only to have his pale hand slapped away. "Why do you keep it on, anyway?"

"Because I'm ugly. Now shut up and watch the works." He looked down to see Hidan grin. "What…?"

"I'll watch _YOUR_ works."

"Oh god, un." Deidara rolled his eyes. "I think I'm gonna barf, un. Please Hidan. We're in public. And there's little children around, un!"

A girl with lavender eyes had stopped and was blushing furiously, looking at Hidan.

"What the fuck do you want, Blindey?"

Itachi smacked Hidan sharply on the back of the head, followed by another slap from Kakuzu.

"Stop hitting me! What the hell did I ever do to you?!" Hidan dodged a would be Head-blower-off-er.

Instead of hitting his target, Hidan, Itachi punched Deidara in the face, triggering Sasori's defensive protection system for Deidara. (Which meant punching and kicking the hell out of anyone who hurt the whiney little blonde.)

Before Sasori could land a hit on the Uchiha (now cowering behind Kisame) Pein grabbed Sasori's collar and held fast to the flailing puppet.

"It's my home village's once-a-year festival. Let's make the _best _of it, shall we?"


	2. Meal time, Zetsu Style!

"What shall we eat first…

"**What shall we eat first…?" **Zetsu asked, more to himself than anyone else.

"_Ha, I thought you were going to say WHO shall we eat first." _Zetsu laughed.

"**That works too." **Half of his personality rolled his eyes, the other half licked his lips and stared at the endless amount of food.

"Sir Sousui? I have a question." Kisame stepped over to Pein, who was munching on a chicken wing.

"And that would be…?"

"Why does Amegakure have this festival once a year on this same week?"

"Because this is the only week of the year when it doesn't rain at all. I'd expected you to know that, being in Akatsuki for four years."

"I'm sorry." Kisame kicked the dirt at his feet. But, Pein was right. Being in the Akatsuki for four years and almost always at Base, he should've noticed that it never stops raining there.

"Go eat. I have to talk with Konan." Pein shooed Kisame away to the buffet.

"Zetsu!! NO!! BAD DOG!!" Itachi grabbed a turkey leg and slapped Zetsu in the face. (The oreo-man was eating a bald guy that looked oddly like Kakuzu's photographer. (See 'Many years ago' when I post it.))

"**B-b-but he was so scrumptious!! That isn't fair, mother!"** Zetsu wailed as Hidan pulled the dead body out of the Kusagakure Ninja's mouth.

"Oh my god! It reeks like decomp. already, un!!" Deidara pinched his nose to keep the rotten smell from reaching his nose.

"You might as well let him finish, unless YOU want to be baldy's replacement, Itachi." Pein called over his shoulder.

"_Please, Mother?"_ Zetsu formed his adorable 'Puppy-dog-eyes-no-jutsu'.

"Fine. But you'd better not expect me to clean up after you."

"**Yes sir, Mother!"**

"He he… Tobi thinks that sounds funny… 'Yes sir, Mother'." The Masked Moron giggled under his rainbow mask. "It's funny because Mommy's can't be 'sir's'." he giggled again, then looked around to see his comrades staring blankly at him. "What? Does Tobi have a sign on his back? Does it say 'Tobi is a good boy'? Because Tobi is a good boy! If Tobi had a motto, it would be 'Tobi is a good boy'. Right Zetsu-san? What's a motto? Like tomato? Or Potato? Or flamingo? Or mango? Or tango? Or Waltz? Or Foxtrot? Or skank? Or whore? Or—"

Itachi slapped Tobi on the side of the head.

"Something about a whore? What?" Sasori looked up from his plate.

"Tobi was ranting on about things ending in 'o'. Then he said a dance, then whore, un. That's all, Danna."

"Oh. I see." The puppet looked back down at his plate, blushing because the Akatsukis were staring at him because he actually said a whole sentence.

"Alrighty, guys. It's getting late. We'll come back tomorrow. Let's go home." Pein stood up, brushed off, and helped Konan pack the picnic supplies they had brought.


	3. Tiring Day? Not for me!

"Ugly

"Ugly."

"That's not nice."

"Yeah? Well it makes me feel happy to call you that!"

"That's nice."

"FUCK YOU!" (Can you guess who's talking?)

Pein sighed, Deidara snored, Itachi scribbled on his hand, Kisame _watched_ Itachi scribble on his hand, Sasori tweaked his puppets, Konan bathed, Tobi gazed out the window, Zetsu slept, and Kakuzu and Hidan fought. (Don't they always?)

"I'm really tired, and we have five days left. _Please _can we just get along this week?" Pein rubbed his temples furiously.

"I'd be getting along FINE if you didn't put me with _HIM_." Hidan whined, pointing at Kakuzu outstretched on a bed. (They had to rent a hotel room. Amegakure was big, and the main festival was quite a long walk from the base.)

"Enough. Everyone, go to sleep. NOW." Pein pinched the bridge of his nose and groaned. This was going to be a tiring week.

"Stupid sumbitch got me money… un…" Deidara turned over in his (and Sasori's) bed.

"Who has your money?" Kakuzu perked up, hearing the word 'money'.

"Shut the fuck up, you old hag." Hidan playfully slapped Kakuzu's arm.

"_I SAID GO TO SLEEP." _Pein's voice was sharp, commanding.

"Yes Sir, Sousui!" The reply was a strange mix of voices, all alarmed.

"GOODNIGHT. Shut the hell up." Pein flopped onto the nearest bed and almost immediately fell asleep. Only to be awakened by screaming the next moring.


	4. Not really okay

"SHUT UP

"SHUT UP." Pein groaned, still in his sleeping position.

"Sir Leader! Seriously!!" Hidan slapped Pein's ass at his attempt to get his boss up.

"Stop fucking screaming! I've got enough of a splitting headache as it is! Who the hell is screaming and _WHY._"

"Something's wrong with Mother!! Seriously!!" Pein looked up groggily to see Hidan leaping up and down like a toddler, pointing to the corner of the room. Hidan was right. Something _WAS_ wrong with the Uchiha Boy.

Itachi was curled up facing the wall. Kisame was panicking. Konan was screaming.

Pein looked closer. Blood was dribbling down Itachi's hand onto the already disgusting carpet. Itachi was muttering something, but Pein couldn't hear because of his fiancé's screaming.

"KONAN. SHUT UP." Pein barked sharply.

"B-but Itachi… He's…" She shivered.

"He's gone crazy. That's all. He simply hurt himself with a knife or something. Who was the first one up?" Pein sat up and looked around to see Deidara and Zetsu still sleeping.

"I was the first one to notice." Kakuzu raised his had sympathetically.

"He's not responding to anything. I'm getting really scared. What's wrong with him?" Kisame's beady eyes darted from one Akatsuki to the other, sweat forming at his brow.

"And what did you notice?"

"Itachi was trembling. I think he was crying, earlier. Now he's just hurting himself, poor Emo." Kakuzu shook his head as if ashamed to be a comrade of the Uchiha.

"I don't want to." Itachi sat up and whipped his eyes.

"You don't want to what, Itachi?" Kisame hugged his lover close. Both shinobi were trembling.

"I just don't want to. Kisame? Is that you?" Itachi looked around dazed. "Were are we? Konan? Are you alright? You look like someone just died."

"Itachi? What is up with you?" Pein was sitting up, fully awake now.

"I don't understand what you mean. Nothing's up with me. Shouldn't we be getting ready for the festival? Come on. You guys are lazy." Itachi pulled away from the Mist nin who was completely confused.

"Um… yeah… I guess so… Are you sure you're okay?" Pein was just as confused as Kisame.

"Yes. I probably just had a bad dream. That's all. Lets go." Itachi wiped the blood off of his hand.

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I'm just as weirded out as you are, don't worry. I'll get around to what happened to him later, in case you care. Please review!! I want creative criticism!!


	5. Day Whatever

"Kisame, I want you to have Itachi on a leash today, okay

"Kisame, I want you to have Itachi on a leash today, okay? His condition is unstable and I don't want him wandering off or whatever. Got it?" Pein whispered into Kisame's ear and handed him a spiked collar and leash.

The Mist Nin gave a gravely chuckle. "I haven't seen this in ages. What did we call it? Uke Collar?" Pein stared at him blankly before bursting out in laughter.

"What's so funny, un?"

"Go. We'll be out in a minute." Pein waved the blonde away.

"Fine, un." Deidara pouted and moped out of the room to the over watered lawn of the motel.

"Itachi? Come here, please."

"Yes, Kisame, dear?" The Uchiha flitted in. He froze when he saw the collar. "Oh no. Not that thing, nuh-uh." He lunged for the door.

Pein was before him in a flash and had Itachi's chest pressed against the wall and had his hands behind his back. "Okay Kisame, Put it on."

The 'shark man' loyally obeyed and slipped the spiked collar on the Uchiha's neck and fastened the buckle.

"Same-kun! Get this vile thing off of me!" Pein released his grip on Itachi and watched him try to pull the leash out of Kisame's strong hand. "Get it off! Get it off! It's the Uke Collar! I'm not the Uke in this couple! Let go!!"

"Um… Uke collar… Do I WANT to know?" Konan leaned on the doorway.

"I don't think so, now lets go." Pein gestured for Itachi and Kisame to walk out, followed by the two… Other… Lovebirds.

"…Then I said something along the lines of 'Oh shit-fuck no! You did NOT just say that to me!'. So I kicked the fucker's sorry little ass in." Hidan nodded proudly as he finished his story about Jashin knows what he was telling Kakuzu.

"Alrighty people, lets go to day… Whatever of the festival!" Pein pointed at the direction of the festival area of Ame.

- - -

"Uhg, Sousui, do we _REALLY_ have to go everyday? Seriously, It's so _BORING._" Hidan whined and sucked on a piece of candy.

"Yes, we do, do you want me to take away the… pole… in your room again?"

"Haha! This festival is the best! Seriously! I can't think of any place I'd rather be!" Hidan cast a fake grin and jogged away to pester Kakuzu.

"But Sempai! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi promises!" The rainbow masked imbecile whined to Deidara who had half a mind to blow the boy to smithereens.

"Danna, I got an idea, lets go somewhere where Tobi isn't, un! Doesn't that sound good?"

"I guess…" Sasori shrugged and followed Deidara over to a blooming cherry tree.

"Kisame… Please? You know I don't deserve this… THING on my neck!" Itachi used the Puppy-Eyes-no-Jutsu in attempt to woo Kisame in taking the collar off.

"No, Itachi, sorry. Pein had orders and I shall follow them, okay? Sorry, babe."

Itachi groaned and fell onto the Mist Nin's lap. "This festival is boring…"

"_Well I think it's nice."_ Zetsu popped out of the ground next to the infamous Flame and Wave.

"**That's because you have no manhood and are a total fruitcake."**

"_If I am that makes you one too!"_

"**Pfsht, you wish, Flower Boy."**

"_Are you implying that I'm GAY?"_

"**Yup."**

"_You're the one who hides gay porn under our bed!"_

"**ME!?" **Zetsu sank back into the earth arguing with himself.

"Kisame?"

"Yes Itachi?"

"Have you ever seen a plant fight about gay porn with itself before?"

Sharky chuckled. "No, I can't say I have. What about you?"

Itachi looked up and grinned. "Yes, I have."

"Really, now?"

"Yeah, just now." Itachi giggled before Kisame gave him a good smack in the head.

"So, Pein, what's today's event about?" Konan leaned on the redhead.

"Today is a day for forgiveness."

"What? For what, dear Sousui?" Kakuzu crossed his arms and leaned on the cherry tree.

"For anything you need forgiving of."

A long pause… "Sousui, that sentence did NOT make sense." Kakuzu pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Wait… Let me rephrase that… Uhm… Forgiving anything you've done wrong or feel bad about. That made sense, right?"

"Yeah that's better, un."

"Well, that means today is a peaceful day, so relax and be calm. I'm going to take a nap, so if one of you dies, talk to Konan or Kakuzu."


End file.
